SEX: 5 Stages of Sexual Development
How’s your sex life?
How present are you & how open is your breath when making love?
How much pleasure & aliveness can you feel through your body?
How open & connected is your heart to your partner?
Men can you have multiple orgasms without ejaculating & women can you have g-spot or cervical orgasms?
Can you relax open, radically open as Love itself while making passionate love with your partner?
Some men view women as sex objects, a feel good act, no strings attached & a quick release.
Some women can use their sexual energy to manipulate or are clinched closed, resisting love’s invitations.
Sometimes we feel avoidant. Other times needy & desperate for intimacy.
Sometimes we feel closed & contracted. Other times our body feels numb.
Sometimes we feel like we are just going through the motions, or doing it to please.
Maybe you feel like sex is stale or it has lost that honeymoon phase passion.
But our “sex-life” is a metaphor for how we relate to all of life.
Our sexual development is inseparable from our relational & overall human development.
How turned on are we by life?
Are we seeking novelty & ever newer distractions from full engagement in the moment,
or ever-deepening presence & intimacy with ourselves, our partner & life?
Are we living on purpose with passion, penetrating the world with our uniqueness in work?
Are we devoting our life, to relaxing open, to loving more deeply in all our relations?
Presence & emotional intimacy are the foundation of a passionate life, an epic sex life & important features of Sexual Development. Relationship wizard Martin Ucik, author of one of the most comprehensive relationship manuals Integral Relationships, a highly recommended book to read & reread, outlines 5 stages of sexual development, which are summarized below. Continue reading and see where are land.
5 Stages of Sexual Development
summarized & reprinted with permission from Martin Ucik
- REPRESSED SEXUALITY
In this lowest sexual development stage, the body and sex are viewed with suspicion as something negative and dirty. Usually driven by shame, guilt and fear that originate from childhood trauma and abuse, adults at this level either avoid sexual activities altogether perform out of duty in a dissociated way (with eyes closed, under the sheets, in the dark or develop forms of obsessive compulsive disorders around their sexuality that can lead to sexual addiction or other abusive behaviors. Oral sex or similarly playful sensual activities are usually out of the question for people to stage, remind us to use confused with shame.
In the fucking stage of sexual development , sexuality is instinctual, self-serving and limited to physical hedonistic pleasures of the body. Sex partners tend to objective the other without seeking a deeper personal connection. They want to have fun, get off, and don’t care about their partners emotional needs feelings or sexual desires. There is no shame or guilt and everything goes which can be confused with the higher unrestrained forms of transcendent sexuality. In the stage males often dominate and manipulate females into having intercourse and to engage in hurtful practices. In the fucking stage, everything is seen as OK as long as the partner cooperate or at least is not call the police. Rarely is there a prior conversation about consent sexual preferences sexual history STDs, no-no’s, expectations for commitment or possible consequences such as emotional and sexual dependency or pregnancy Women at the stage often have an unspoken expectation of the partners to make an exclusive commitment after intercourse and feel used and abused if he moves on. They may also become intentionally pregnant without their Partners consent to hook him and/or to collect child support and Social Security payments. Once the excitement of the newness vanishes couples it in the stage often lose interest in sex with each other and stop having sex or seek a new fuck buddy.
- HAVING SEX
In the next sexual development stage, sex becomes a conscious choice between a couple that has a mutual understanding and agreement about the implications and consequences of being sexual. Having sex is seen as a beautiful and important activity which brings two people together and provides many physical and emotional health benefits. There is usually an agreement for monogamy or openness about multiple lovers, and partners try to find the time and energy to be sexual with each other. Sex partners in this stage go beyond the pure physical aspects (fucking) and see each other as conscious subjects. They focus on pleasing the other within the context of individual boundaries rather than trying to openly express and meet their own sexual needs, desires, and fantasies. This leads to sexuality at the lowest common denominator that often leaves both partners on for filled overtime. relationship difficulties such as power struggles or emotional withdrawal tend to be carried into the bedroom, but don’t get resolve there. Instead of working on deeper issues to improve their sexual relationship, couples in the stage sometimes try new positions or locations, engage in role-playing, apply sex toys, watch porn movies, or join swinger clubs to keep their sex life interesting. Unless they evolve to the next higher stage of sexual development, merely having sex will eventually turn stale, die completely, or become so difficult that their partnership ends when one of them falls in love/lost with the new sex partner.
- LOVE MAKING
In the lovemaking stage of sexual development, a couples sexuality becomes the expression of their genuine love, mutual acceptance, deep emotional intimacy, and the joy of being together. Body mind and heart are integrated in love making which is no longer just “a thing that couples do”, but an expression of who they are as sexual human beings. No special effort to find the time or energy to be sexual needs to be made by them. Their love making is the life-giving and rejuvenating affirmation of their bond and the death of their connection. They’re open to talking about their desires and exploring all forms of healthy sexual play that bring pleasure in deeper their union. They naturally stay in verbal and nonverbal communication I contact with each other during our lovemaking. Sex at this level is not used to cover a conflict, to keep score, used to manipulate each other. Instead, sexual and emotional blocks that may arise are worked out between them, and therapeutic help is sought if they can’t resolve the problems that they face.
- TRANSCENDENT SEX
This transcendent stage of sexual development represents all advanced sacred or tantric practices that lead to spiritual state experiences through sexual union, that transcend the lovers’ sense of separation from each other and the universe. This kind of sexuality emerges as a stage between partners that share deep soul connection and enjoy high level of physical emotional and relational health, and who have reached an advanced age of spiritual development with the ability for intense presence and full surrender. Spiritual practice such as meditation, partner yoga, ecstatic dance are often interwoven in this form of lovemaking. Partners who consciously engage in transcendent sexuality allocate ample quality time for their love making instead of waiting until they’re in the mood. They may need nothing special to open as freedom and love itself or they may create sacred space with rituals with special decoration, bedding, lighting, music, tastes, smells, oils, breathing, eye gazing, chanting, dancing, etc. love making is likely dynamic alternating between a variety of giving and receiving of pleasure, positions, and speeds from deep slow and connected to ravishing fucking (that may be falsely interpreted as a form of rape). Often men have cultivated the ability to have deeply open breathing and multiple orgasms without ejaculation and women also I have cultivated the ability to have multiple organisms via clitoris, g-spot or deep cervix although this type of sex usually focuses more on open hearted loving connection, subtle energetics and radical openness / union then merely a goal to release and ejaculate. Due to profound state access and heightened settle energetics, deeper emotional blocks and limiting patterns embedded in the body can be revealed and released through this depth of sexuality.